Sometimes you just gotta get a little drunk with a friend to find a little perspective, to remember your dreams. In vino veritas.
Now, I'm not saying y'all should go out there and drink your sorrows away, but sometimes you gotta dig yourself a hole to climb out of. And if you have the right friend, it can be fun doing it.
I choose to drink with Faith. And by Faith, I don't mean religion. Faith is an actual person. She ain' Jesus, but sometimes she's just as effective.
Faith is a 5'2" african american spitfire of a woman who's life goal is to be the next Oprah/Martha Stewart. And she'll do it, too. She has a little poodle dog mix named Marilyn (named after Marilyn Monroe) who is a gluttonous hussy that goes back and forth from begging to be pet to taking luxurious naps on her back with her legs spread eagle.
When you are in Faith's home, it's like entering the very epitome of Life. Even during her current rocky transition/remodeling, you walk in and are instantly set at ease. It is a place of welcome. A place to put your feet up and exhale. She is a gift.
SIDENOTE: I am writing this blog entry whilst on the subway at the 157th street station. We are being held here due to a police investigation. Apparently somebody just got his butt whooped and they've halted all trains on the Red Line. Welcome to NYC. Where everyone is shouting obscenities about how they are being inconvenienced at 11pm on a Sunday and no one is concerned about the poor fool who got his ass handed to him. Most notably, there is a dominican woman who is shouting at the conductor (though it isn't his fault) and setting an excellent example for her 5year old son. Now we see where they learn it. Social etiquette begins on the subway.
Anyway. Back to the drinking.
I had just finished my stage management gig today which went very well. I lucked out and got an extremely nice group of students. Afterwards I decided it was time to call Faith to see what she was up to. As of late I've been excessively mercurial (ooooh, check me out and my fancy adjectives) and Faith always manages to inspire me and remind me that anything's possible. Everyone should have a Faith. And a bottle of wine. I hope you all get to be so lucky.
I trekked my way up to Faith's place in Wash Heights and four hours later, I am revived. Was it the wine? Maybe. Partly.
But mostly it's the company you keep. It is so very important (like we're talking popsicles in summer important) to find a true friend in this world that you believe in and one that believes in you. When you look at your "friends," when you leave their presence, how do you feel? That's a question I ask myself a lot lately. Many a time in the past I noticed that I'd leave a meeting or coffee date and I'd feel completely drained. Like that person sucked the energy right out of me. And guess what? That's bad.
Most people seem to want to be loved by many, but in truth, all you really need is a handful of friends to tell you the truth when you need it, believe in you when you don't have the strength to believe in yourself, to tell you when you are being stupid, and to drink you under the table when you need to forget your troubles for a hot second. Then you pick yourself up, and keep it moving.
I'm very lucky in that I have that handful of friends. And one of those people is Faith. She has an "ism" for almost any situation.
If someone is being shady at work, she'd say, "somethin' in the milk ain' clean."
Some guy is toying with your emotions? she'd say, "Serve your love with a long handled spoon."
If someone tries to run your life, she'd say, "opinions are like assholes- everyone has one."
And while these are gems, what I love most is that I can voice any dream or scheme I may have and she'll think it's as common as breathing. "Of course you will get it. Consider it done."
We have a mutual generosity that in the end we nod at each other and think, "we are going to rule the world. Just give us time."
So, I've given myself a few days of blah but as Faith says, what have I done to spin the blah into those Yes's of progress?
I've scheduled a monologue workshop for next monday.
I've pulled two more monologues to learn.
I've pulled four songs to get taped and workshop.
I've scheduled an interview for catering (job #5)
I'm sitting down tomorrow to make a plan of attack for auditions
I'm toying with the idea of producing a 1940s play and having a reading.
And i've written 18 pages of a novel.
Never seems like enough but we do what we can. And I'm feeling some good YES's coming on. Just give me time.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Friday, February 1, 2013
Sparkle Like a Drag Queen on a Runway
One day blends into the next. I had forgotten how that happens when you live here.
So. I've been here two weeks. And in those two weeks, I have said YES to four jobs, went to a Q&A with Sally Field, saw the Broadway show "The Heiress" (starring Jessica Chastain and Downton Abbey's Dan Stevens), Run/walked three miles a day, had coffee dates with a few friends, memorized four monologues, and...I still feel like I am not doing enough. But let's first focus on those YES's.
Here's how I got to be an extra on The Carrie Diaries TV show. I saw the posting on Casting Networks that was looking for a Tama Janowitz look-a-like (she was a 1980's author that was part of what was basically deemed as the Brat Pack of literature). I googled her and low and behold, I kind of looked like her. That is, if you took away the crazy hair and make-up. I hesitated on submitting because she was quite slim in the 80s and I more resemble her nowadays. This is the point in which I would normally say NO to myself and move on. But instead, I pushed the submit button. I hmm'd and haw'd over whether I should add a note saying that I probably wasn't slim enough but then my increasingly growing backbone screamed at me, "Ju dumbass, don't ju write jorself outta a part. ju gotta wait for someone else to tell ju NO, mija." Apparently, my backbone is hispanic. Who knew?
Anyway, I was contacted two days later for candid photos of the front and back of my head. Now, this is the point when I could have just got out the camera and taken photos of myself normally. But I thought, what the hell, I'll go for it. So even though I was ready for bed, hair in a braid, not a stitch of makeup on, I foofed my hair out super big, put on thick black eyeliner and red lips and took the shot. I remember Sally Field saying in the Q&A, "Don't expect the industry people to have imagination. When they cast people they want the finished product ready to go. When I auditioned for Sybil, I went in crazy. I picked one of the crazy personalities and auditioned like that. Did they think I was crazy? Definitely. But I got the part."
Two days later, I got a phone call saying that I was booked for two days on set at Steiner Studios in Brooklyn. Thanks, Sally.
The best part about it was that it gave me my first SAG waiver. For those of you not in the biz, here's the run down of what that is. SAG is our Union. SAG pays you much better than if you are not union. Most jobs worth having are SAG. It's a pain in the ass to find a way to join SAG. One of the ways is to obain three waivers. You can get a waiver if you work a job where they have to use non-union actors but are under SAG contract. This means they give you SAG pay for the day, feed you like SAG (yes you get better food), and the overtime is $30 an hour (I ended up with almost four hours of overtime on top of the 16 hours of regular work.) And lately it is like pulling teeth to get a waiver these days. So, in short, SAG Waiver (for me)= big deal. That, and the fact that they had to dress us up in 1980s costumes and I had the biggest hair out of anyone didn't suck either. Kinda fun to play dress up once in a while and have professionals primp you like a barbie doll. Although it did take a half an hour to untangle all the teasing and hairspray they used.
Now the experience itself of being a background extra is not even close to being glamourous. In fact, in some ways it can be slave labor. It's not real acting. You are not an actor when doing it. In truth, you feel like an ass most of the time. Pretending to talk to people by mouthing words, people you don't know, and trying not to piss off the crew or director by doing something stupid accidentally. The principle actors (the famous people) are treated like gods. The crew bickers amongst themselves, and the extras are looked upon as something between moving-scenery and cattle. From my observations it's kind of like 25 people in an office, all trying to work in the same cubicle. And all of them feel like what they are in charge of takes precedence. It's a tricky thing. Some sets are better than others. I've been on some where the tone is fun or respectful, some that are like war zones, and some that are like tibetan monasteries.
With all that, I think the worst part about extra work, are the extras themselves. There are a few gems in there that make it fun, but for the most part it is filled with self entitled, egotistical, whiny assholes who think their motivation will make or break the scene. News Flash: "Background" means you stay in the BACK. I had this one girl give me direction in between shots. She felt it important that I laugh at the right moment, lean in at a certain point, and even told me how she was going to look at me and therefore how I should react. I was tempted to tell her how grateful I was for the advice since my Masters clearly didn't cut it...but I refrained. You have to laugh. And remember that it is a choice whether to take these gigs. No one is making you. So you deal with what's been thrown at you.
I like background work because I like learning how a set works. I hope that one of these days I won't feel like I'm always in the way and doing something wrong. Because the more I am around it, the more fascinated I become. And with fascination comes that ultimate hunger to become fucking amazing at it. But I believe to get good you have to DO, not observe. And unfortunately, getting auditions this time of year is beyond sparse. I get very anxious knowing that I haven't been on one yet. But then I have to calm myself down and remind myself yet again that I've been here fourteen days.
It's just that...I feel like, my entire life, all I've done is climb the side of a mountain, then slide back down to the bottom. I've fallen off that mountain more times than I can count. The top is where I want to be; be it physically, mentally, monetarily, spiritually, career, whatever. I am the constant slider. And I notice that it gets harder and harder to pick myself up from the ditch in which I fell and start the climb again. And everytime I look up at the mountain after a fall, the mountain seems bigger and colder and further away. I worry sometimes that one of these days I'll slide to the bottom and just not have it in me to get back up again. That I'll sit on the earth until it grows over me and I'll never move again. That seems a bit dramatic, but remember who you are talking to.
Anyway, I'm at a point right now where I am as far up the mountain as I've ever been. So if there's a way to push further, I want to take it. And I panic if I give myself a break or any allowances. Because you never know if that day I don't go to the gym, that audition I passed up, that cupcake I ate, that NO I said, will be the beginning of the slide. And as many of you know, once you start the slide, there's no stopping it till you've reached the bottom.
Up until now, I've been afraid of the top of that mountain. What happens if I get there? What would happen if I don't? The unknown was far scarier than anything else; than giving it truly all I've got. But that's changed. The only thing scarier than getting or not getting there, is having it be my fault.
Now don't you worry, my friends. I still give myself days off. I watch movies and have that Wendy's frosty when I earn it. Giving yourself kindness is a very important part of what helps you cling to the sides of the mountain. But I still feel like you gotta give so you can get. And I wanna Get a LOT.
Ok, so I've written entirely too much already and I've barely scratched the surface. But I've been pulling a minimum of fourteen hour days so I'm going to just give bullet points for the rest.
I took an emergency stage management job for the next two weeks that will pay my bills through March which is a huge gift. I signed on with a temp agency that is super flexible and I can basically write my schedule which will help with auditions. And I am a temporary receptionist at a performing arts college for awhile. I am grateful. I just hope I remember how to juggle all this, that I get enough hours to survive, and yet not let it stop me from auditioning. That's how it happened last time and I fell off the mountain.
I've also started writing a novel and I am toying with the idea of somehow producing and directing a 1940s play. May not go anywhere. But you should always keep something for yourself. Something that's yours. It makes you feel not as empty after a day of hustle and bustle.
I'll finish with this little epiphany I had when riding home on the subway the other day.
I used to believe that NYC would make or break you. But actually, I think she only magnifies what you are already. If you come here with holes in you as a human being, if you come here with doubts and fears, and expect her to make you harder, faster, and stronger, she'll just throw you on the tracks and run right over you. All those feelings will double or treble in size.
But if you come here, knowing what you want, knowing you can get it, knowing that you are strong, and worth the best...well, she'll make you sparkle more than a drag queen on a runway.
At least I hope so.
So. I've been here two weeks. And in those two weeks, I have said YES to four jobs, went to a Q&A with Sally Field, saw the Broadway show "The Heiress" (starring Jessica Chastain and Downton Abbey's Dan Stevens), Run/walked three miles a day, had coffee dates with a few friends, memorized four monologues, and...I still feel like I am not doing enough. But let's first focus on those YES's.
Here's how I got to be an extra on The Carrie Diaries TV show. I saw the posting on Casting Networks that was looking for a Tama Janowitz look-a-like (she was a 1980's author that was part of what was basically deemed as the Brat Pack of literature). I googled her and low and behold, I kind of looked like her. That is, if you took away the crazy hair and make-up. I hesitated on submitting because she was quite slim in the 80s and I more resemble her nowadays. This is the point in which I would normally say NO to myself and move on. But instead, I pushed the submit button. I hmm'd and haw'd over whether I should add a note saying that I probably wasn't slim enough but then my increasingly growing backbone screamed at me, "Ju dumbass, don't ju write jorself outta a part. ju gotta wait for someone else to tell ju NO, mija." Apparently, my backbone is hispanic. Who knew?
Anyway, I was contacted two days later for candid photos of the front and back of my head. Now, this is the point when I could have just got out the camera and taken photos of myself normally. But I thought, what the hell, I'll go for it. So even though I was ready for bed, hair in a braid, not a stitch of makeup on, I foofed my hair out super big, put on thick black eyeliner and red lips and took the shot. I remember Sally Field saying in the Q&A, "Don't expect the industry people to have imagination. When they cast people they want the finished product ready to go. When I auditioned for Sybil, I went in crazy. I picked one of the crazy personalities and auditioned like that. Did they think I was crazy? Definitely. But I got the part."
Two days later, I got a phone call saying that I was booked for two days on set at Steiner Studios in Brooklyn. Thanks, Sally.
The best part about it was that it gave me my first SAG waiver. For those of you not in the biz, here's the run down of what that is. SAG is our Union. SAG pays you much better than if you are not union. Most jobs worth having are SAG. It's a pain in the ass to find a way to join SAG. One of the ways is to obain three waivers. You can get a waiver if you work a job where they have to use non-union actors but are under SAG contract. This means they give you SAG pay for the day, feed you like SAG (yes you get better food), and the overtime is $30 an hour (I ended up with almost four hours of overtime on top of the 16 hours of regular work.) And lately it is like pulling teeth to get a waiver these days. So, in short, SAG Waiver (for me)= big deal. That, and the fact that they had to dress us up in 1980s costumes and I had the biggest hair out of anyone didn't suck either. Kinda fun to play dress up once in a while and have professionals primp you like a barbie doll. Although it did take a half an hour to untangle all the teasing and hairspray they used.
Now the experience itself of being a background extra is not even close to being glamourous. In fact, in some ways it can be slave labor. It's not real acting. You are not an actor when doing it. In truth, you feel like an ass most of the time. Pretending to talk to people by mouthing words, people you don't know, and trying not to piss off the crew or director by doing something stupid accidentally. The principle actors (the famous people) are treated like gods. The crew bickers amongst themselves, and the extras are looked upon as something between moving-scenery and cattle. From my observations it's kind of like 25 people in an office, all trying to work in the same cubicle. And all of them feel like what they are in charge of takes precedence. It's a tricky thing. Some sets are better than others. I've been on some where the tone is fun or respectful, some that are like war zones, and some that are like tibetan monasteries.
With all that, I think the worst part about extra work, are the extras themselves. There are a few gems in there that make it fun, but for the most part it is filled with self entitled, egotistical, whiny assholes who think their motivation will make or break the scene. News Flash: "Background" means you stay in the BACK. I had this one girl give me direction in between shots. She felt it important that I laugh at the right moment, lean in at a certain point, and even told me how she was going to look at me and therefore how I should react. I was tempted to tell her how grateful I was for the advice since my Masters clearly didn't cut it...but I refrained. You have to laugh. And remember that it is a choice whether to take these gigs. No one is making you. So you deal with what's been thrown at you.
I like background work because I like learning how a set works. I hope that one of these days I won't feel like I'm always in the way and doing something wrong. Because the more I am around it, the more fascinated I become. And with fascination comes that ultimate hunger to become fucking amazing at it. But I believe to get good you have to DO, not observe. And unfortunately, getting auditions this time of year is beyond sparse. I get very anxious knowing that I haven't been on one yet. But then I have to calm myself down and remind myself yet again that I've been here fourteen days.
It's just that...I feel like, my entire life, all I've done is climb the side of a mountain, then slide back down to the bottom. I've fallen off that mountain more times than I can count. The top is where I want to be; be it physically, mentally, monetarily, spiritually, career, whatever. I am the constant slider. And I notice that it gets harder and harder to pick myself up from the ditch in which I fell and start the climb again. And everytime I look up at the mountain after a fall, the mountain seems bigger and colder and further away. I worry sometimes that one of these days I'll slide to the bottom and just not have it in me to get back up again. That I'll sit on the earth until it grows over me and I'll never move again. That seems a bit dramatic, but remember who you are talking to.
Anyway, I'm at a point right now where I am as far up the mountain as I've ever been. So if there's a way to push further, I want to take it. And I panic if I give myself a break or any allowances. Because you never know if that day I don't go to the gym, that audition I passed up, that cupcake I ate, that NO I said, will be the beginning of the slide. And as many of you know, once you start the slide, there's no stopping it till you've reached the bottom.
Up until now, I've been afraid of the top of that mountain. What happens if I get there? What would happen if I don't? The unknown was far scarier than anything else; than giving it truly all I've got. But that's changed. The only thing scarier than getting or not getting there, is having it be my fault.
Now don't you worry, my friends. I still give myself days off. I watch movies and have that Wendy's frosty when I earn it. Giving yourself kindness is a very important part of what helps you cling to the sides of the mountain. But I still feel like you gotta give so you can get. And I wanna Get a LOT.
Ok, so I've written entirely too much already and I've barely scratched the surface. But I've been pulling a minimum of fourteen hour days so I'm going to just give bullet points for the rest.
I took an emergency stage management job for the next two weeks that will pay my bills through March which is a huge gift. I signed on with a temp agency that is super flexible and I can basically write my schedule which will help with auditions. And I am a temporary receptionist at a performing arts college for awhile. I am grateful. I just hope I remember how to juggle all this, that I get enough hours to survive, and yet not let it stop me from auditioning. That's how it happened last time and I fell off the mountain.
I've also started writing a novel and I am toying with the idea of somehow producing and directing a 1940s play. May not go anywhere. But you should always keep something for yourself. Something that's yours. It makes you feel not as empty after a day of hustle and bustle.
I'll finish with this little epiphany I had when riding home on the subway the other day.
I used to believe that NYC would make or break you. But actually, I think she only magnifies what you are already. If you come here with holes in you as a human being, if you come here with doubts and fears, and expect her to make you harder, faster, and stronger, she'll just throw you on the tracks and run right over you. All those feelings will double or treble in size.
But if you come here, knowing what you want, knowing you can get it, knowing that you are strong, and worth the best...well, she'll make you sparkle more than a drag queen on a runway.
At least I hope so.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Army of One
So. What have I said YES to so far? It's hard to say. Because I've been here for three days and I feel like my head is going to explode with the assault that is this City. That's not to say I'm not enjoying myself, because I am. But one must realize that I have been away from people for about four months. So to go from solitude to feeling like I'm inside a pinball machine is going to take a bit of an adjustment.
I'm not going to lie. Half the day is me fighting the urge to run away with my tail tucked between my legs. But the other half remembers this place and is a bit comforted that some things don't change. You will always have the crazy street buskers and homeless with funny signs that say things like "Will Work for Weed" or "Need Money for Beer and Women." You will always have a subway car filled with people shutting their eyes and listening to their ipods so that they can have just a few minutes of shut down time. There will always be that arabic coffee cart vendor who playfully jokes with you, the cab driver who will blame you for his bad directional choices, and the amount of dogs in this city is staggering. Does it feel like coming home? ...no. But it doesn't feel bad.
But I wouldn't trust New York as far as I could throw her. She's the kinda girl that buys you dinner but doesn't tell you that she spit in it. So my eyes are still wide open. This is a city that is Brilliant to visit, and if you have money, there's nothing more wonderful. It is Wonderland, Never Never Land, Toyland, Playboyland, and Gotham all in one. People always ask what it's like living here. I think the answer is different for everyone.
I didn't like who I was here last time. It will be interesting to see who I am this time. I think it'll be better. I am stronger, smarter, fitter, and put more value on my self-worth. But I do worry if it will chip away at it again. So what I've been doing so far is setting up my own army of one. Whatever drains you, you have to fill back up. To do that, you have to know the people, places, and things that give you back your peace.
Already I feel anxious about the lack of employment, finding time to audition, losing focus, not being able to be even seen for decent roles. So in order to avoid massive panic attacks and doubt, I've begun building my fortress.
I said YES and joined the gym the first day I was here. And I have already been.
I took a 70 block walk down Manhattan to get acquainted with the old bitch again.
I applied for twenty jobs.
I marked three auditions, even though they are equity and may not even see me, for next week.
I have reached out to my friends and asked for their help (something that is new to me).
And I have surrounded myself with GOOD people that when I leave their presence, I feel better and more empowered, and hopeful. I hope I do the same for them.
Tonight, despite the crazy wind and cold outside, I am going to candlelight yoga because I've been losing sleep due to worry. It's all about recognizing when you are being a chicken and freaking yourself out, and how to combat that on your own. It's about doing something for yourself that you know makes you feel good and is healthy.
I watched a church sermon this morning online that said Anxiety is a battle of Faith. Now without getting too Jesus-centric on you, it's basically saying that your anxiety lessens if you have faith in yourself and in God that everything will turn out ok, for the best for you. Now, does that mean that I can sit back on my laurels and that God will swoop in and make me famous? Uh, no. But it does mean that the hours of sleep I'm losing are silly because I WILL be taken care of. I have the ability. And I need to have faith that it will pay off. Because it will.
Now I ask you, what are YOU doing for yourself to fill you back up?
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Epic Failure Already.
I booked a job. Actually, it's kind of two jobs. Now before you get all excited and have a pillow fight in my honor, let me follow that glorious news up by saying that I have to turn it town. That's right, ladies and gents. My Year of Yes is beginning with a big morbidly obese NO. Sigh. Here's the deal-
There's this tiny picturesque town in northern Washington State that I found a few years back and for some reason it just pulls at me. Whenever I couldn't stand my life or needed to clear my head, I'd borrow/steal my mom's car and take the nearly two hour mini-road trip up there for the day. It's like Mayberry, or that town in the Gilmore Girls "Stars Hollow (Yes, I used to and sometimes still do watch that show. Please don't think less of me). Anyway. It's surrounded by water, not a Starbucks in sight, it's quiet and quaint and always makes me feel better. I have always told myself that if I were to become a hermit someday and disappear from the world and be the female version of Ernest Hemingway (without the whole alcoholism and sad death thing), this would be the place I'd do it.
Well, in the beginning of November I saw that they were having their theatre's auditions for the 2013 season. Since my mother and I were thinking of popping up there for a day trip to tour their old hotel that used to be brothel (yes. A brothel. Did I not tell you this place was amaze-balls? They even name the rooms after the, uh, "ladies" who resided in them.), I figured why not stay in the game and audition for the hell of it.
So I auditioned. And I rarely can walk out of an audition room and say to myself, "Self, that right there was a fan-friggin-tastic audition." But this time, there was a little extra hitch in my giddy-up, because I knew that I did the best I could. Then...I forgot all about it.
I got a phone call last night with offers for two roles in two new plays for their new playwrights segment starting in two weeks and going through end of March. What? Buh-Scuuuuuuze me? I can work in my favorite town ever? What are the details?
And this is where it gets disappointing. Sort of.
They pay for housing and when I said I wasn't sure I could afford to stay up there without income, they offered me a small weekly stipend because the director was "really" interested.
Now, I said I would say YES as long as it harmed no one, including myself. When I said that, I assumed I meant physically, mentally, or spiritually. But I didn't know I also meant financially. [Insert shouts of protest from my artistic friends who believe that one can live on inspiration alone].
But here's the thing. If an executive with a masters degree went into an interview for a job and they said to him, you get to be CEO of this company...as long as you pay US, would you think he was doing the right thing? Because in some ways, that's what I'd be doing. Let's break it down. My loans kick in at end of March, I have a verbal contract for a sublet through to May 1st, this will cost me a great deal of money. Oh, and then there's that whole affording to eat thing on top of that. The stipend offered will cover only a third of that cost. Ouch. Am I still tempted to do it anyway? ...You bet your ass. Clearly my business degree does not stop me from bad financial decisions, it just allows me to recognize that I am indeed making them.
The thing that clenched it most, surprisingly? That verbal contract with my sublet. "And it harm none." If I backed out, I would be going back on a promise. It is very important to me that I NEVER hurt or step on anyone to better my career. Not intentionally. I may not get where I want to go, or get there as fast as I like, but at least I would like myself when I get there. These two guys are incredibly kind and gave me the greatest deal as well as setting me up with the exact area and price point that I wanted to live in. And in my gut, when I said YES to the place, it felt absolutely right.
I have seen it time and time again, people slighting others for personal gain. And I understand that temptation. My actor's ego is screaming "Somebody wants you! They want to pay you to do what you love and in a town that you love!" But you know what? Maybe that means someone else will do the same. I managed to go on two auditions in the past couple months whilst mulling around in WA, and booking one out of two is great odds in this business. I need to stop believing that every job is the last one. Sure, it may well be true, but that feeling of desperation is not helpful.
I want people to know I am loyal and honest. That they can trust me to keep my promises. And if something happens and I can't, then they'll know it was never because of disrespect or laziness. I expect the same from people, so why would I give less? At the end of the day, I'll have to go to bed and wake up with me. And it's much easier if you sleep and wake up with someone you like. Take that as you will.
So it breaks my heart. But I have to say NO. That little town will always be there. And that just means I am still on track to getting back to NYC next Thursday. P.s. If any of you want to put in a good word for me with your deity of choice (hell, even with Santa Claus since he's not so busy now) for nyc employment, I wouldn't mind it.
Not every opportunity is one you should take. Hard. Pill. To swallow. But one opportunity does not a full life make. There will be others. There will always be others. If you put yourself out there.
There's this tiny picturesque town in northern Washington State that I found a few years back and for some reason it just pulls at me. Whenever I couldn't stand my life or needed to clear my head, I'd borrow/steal my mom's car and take the nearly two hour mini-road trip up there for the day. It's like Mayberry, or that town in the Gilmore Girls "Stars Hollow (Yes, I used to and sometimes still do watch that show. Please don't think less of me). Anyway. It's surrounded by water, not a Starbucks in sight, it's quiet and quaint and always makes me feel better. I have always told myself that if I were to become a hermit someday and disappear from the world and be the female version of Ernest Hemingway (without the whole alcoholism and sad death thing), this would be the place I'd do it.
Well, in the beginning of November I saw that they were having their theatre's auditions for the 2013 season. Since my mother and I were thinking of popping up there for a day trip to tour their old hotel that used to be brothel (yes. A brothel. Did I not tell you this place was amaze-balls? They even name the rooms after the, uh, "ladies" who resided in them.), I figured why not stay in the game and audition for the hell of it.
So I auditioned. And I rarely can walk out of an audition room and say to myself, "Self, that right there was a fan-friggin-tastic audition." But this time, there was a little extra hitch in my giddy-up, because I knew that I did the best I could. Then...I forgot all about it.
I got a phone call last night with offers for two roles in two new plays for their new playwrights segment starting in two weeks and going through end of March. What? Buh-Scuuuuuuze me? I can work in my favorite town ever? What are the details?
And this is where it gets disappointing. Sort of.
They pay for housing and when I said I wasn't sure I could afford to stay up there without income, they offered me a small weekly stipend because the director was "really" interested.
Now, I said I would say YES as long as it harmed no one, including myself. When I said that, I assumed I meant physically, mentally, or spiritually. But I didn't know I also meant financially. [Insert shouts of protest from my artistic friends who believe that one can live on inspiration alone].
But here's the thing. If an executive with a masters degree went into an interview for a job and they said to him, you get to be CEO of this company...as long as you pay US, would you think he was doing the right thing? Because in some ways, that's what I'd be doing. Let's break it down. My loans kick in at end of March, I have a verbal contract for a sublet through to May 1st, this will cost me a great deal of money. Oh, and then there's that whole affording to eat thing on top of that. The stipend offered will cover only a third of that cost. Ouch. Am I still tempted to do it anyway? ...You bet your ass. Clearly my business degree does not stop me from bad financial decisions, it just allows me to recognize that I am indeed making them.
The thing that clenched it most, surprisingly? That verbal contract with my sublet. "And it harm none." If I backed out, I would be going back on a promise. It is very important to me that I NEVER hurt or step on anyone to better my career. Not intentionally. I may not get where I want to go, or get there as fast as I like, but at least I would like myself when I get there. These two guys are incredibly kind and gave me the greatest deal as well as setting me up with the exact area and price point that I wanted to live in. And in my gut, when I said YES to the place, it felt absolutely right.
I have seen it time and time again, people slighting others for personal gain. And I understand that temptation. My actor's ego is screaming "Somebody wants you! They want to pay you to do what you love and in a town that you love!" But you know what? Maybe that means someone else will do the same. I managed to go on two auditions in the past couple months whilst mulling around in WA, and booking one out of two is great odds in this business. I need to stop believing that every job is the last one. Sure, it may well be true, but that feeling of desperation is not helpful.
I want people to know I am loyal and honest. That they can trust me to keep my promises. And if something happens and I can't, then they'll know it was never because of disrespect or laziness. I expect the same from people, so why would I give less? At the end of the day, I'll have to go to bed and wake up with me. And it's much easier if you sleep and wake up with someone you like. Take that as you will.
So it breaks my heart. But I have to say NO. That little town will always be there. And that just means I am still on track to getting back to NYC next Thursday. P.s. If any of you want to put in a good word for me with your deity of choice (hell, even with Santa Claus since he's not so busy now) for nyc employment, I wouldn't mind it.
Not every opportunity is one you should take. Hard. Pill. To swallow. But one opportunity does not a full life make. There will be others. There will always be others. If you put yourself out there.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
A Tuesday Resolution
I never really believed in New Year's resolutions. Don't get me wrong. I made them anyway. But I knew they were more "New Year's resolutions that I would fail at and then hate myself for". Which, you know, is SUPER helpful.
Somewhere along the line I gave them up and instead made the occasional Tuesday Resolution. Tuesday Resolutions don't necessarily have to be on a Tuesday. It just means that the goal you are making is important no matter what day it is. The weight of importance should be on the goal, not the date.
I would sit there and say, you know what? I'm not going to do this or that anymore. Or, more importantly, I'd say I AM going to do this or that. When making a Tuesday resolution or Tuesday rebellion depending on the subject, you should always try to phrase it in the affirmative. Keep it positive. Especially if you are me. I don't like being told what not to do. So even if I am the one doing the telling, (i.e. I will not eat anymore ice-cream), I will inevitably resent myself and eat two times the amount of ice-cream, just to spite myself. You know, as you do.
But I digress.
The point of the "Tuesday" though is that it doesn't matter what day you start, it just needs to be now, in the very moment that you think of the goal. You can't wait for New Year's or Arbor Day or after you finish a stressful project or maybe after your vacation. It has to be now, at 12:43pm. It's fine if you fail here and there, but the starting point needs to be immediate. You have to battle that voice in your head that is telling you No.
Which brings me to this year's blog. The Year of Yes.
So what does this mean? Well, you know how you get in your own way? I've mentioned in the Scotland blog about the SHOULDAWOULDACOULDA's of life. It's all those things you didn't do because you told yourself NO before you even tried. Well, this year I'm going to attempt to rewire my little mental circuit board that always says NO and make it say YES. And then just see where it takes me.
Now this will probably be the most uncomfortable idea I've ever had. It will probably get me into a lot of trouble. But it's like eating a banana with peanut butter, it has to be done. (Don't knock it till you try it). Because if these past months in WA have taught me anything, it's that my natural inclination is to hide, hibernate, and interact as little as possible with people. Instead, I'm hoping this will help me put myself "out there" to new and hopefully better opportunities. That, and maybe it will be entertaining as hell (for you, if not for me). And NYC is the perfect/worst place to do it.
It does NOT mean that I will say yes to EVERYTHING. So any of you reading this who are thinking "oh, good. I'll ask her if she'll jump off a cliff naked while singing the National Anthem." can just take your suggestion and sit and rotate on it. What it DOES mean is that when I'm invited somewhere, or asked on a date, or have a possible audition, or a business meeting, if I'm ever presented with an idea or a dilemma and it gives me that hesitation where I then argue with myself of whether or not I should go, the answer will (for the next year) be yes. I usually say NO because I don't want to fail, be embarrassed, or find out that I am not meant to do something I really love to do. Well, you know where that gets you? It gets you a one way ticket to becoming the lonely middle aged cat lady waitress who spends her life bitter and resenting all the things she never did. Now I'm not knocking all those cat ladies out there if that was their dream, but it isn't mine. So, as long as those opportunities that come my way don't hurt others or myself, it's going to be fair game.
So. Here we go. A blog of YES. Let's hope I don't regret it.
Somewhere along the line I gave them up and instead made the occasional Tuesday Resolution. Tuesday Resolutions don't necessarily have to be on a Tuesday. It just means that the goal you are making is important no matter what day it is. The weight of importance should be on the goal, not the date.
I would sit there and say, you know what? I'm not going to do this or that anymore. Or, more importantly, I'd say I AM going to do this or that. When making a Tuesday resolution or Tuesday rebellion depending on the subject, you should always try to phrase it in the affirmative. Keep it positive. Especially if you are me. I don't like being told what not to do. So even if I am the one doing the telling, (i.e. I will not eat anymore ice-cream), I will inevitably resent myself and eat two times the amount of ice-cream, just to spite myself. You know, as you do.
But I digress.
The point of the "Tuesday" though is that it doesn't matter what day you start, it just needs to be now, in the very moment that you think of the goal. You can't wait for New Year's or Arbor Day or after you finish a stressful project or maybe after your vacation. It has to be now, at 12:43pm. It's fine if you fail here and there, but the starting point needs to be immediate. You have to battle that voice in your head that is telling you No.
Which brings me to this year's blog. The Year of Yes.
So what does this mean? Well, you know how you get in your own way? I've mentioned in the Scotland blog about the SHOULDAWOULDACOULDA's of life. It's all those things you didn't do because you told yourself NO before you even tried. Well, this year I'm going to attempt to rewire my little mental circuit board that always says NO and make it say YES. And then just see where it takes me.
Now this will probably be the most uncomfortable idea I've ever had. It will probably get me into a lot of trouble. But it's like eating a banana with peanut butter, it has to be done. (Don't knock it till you try it). Because if these past months in WA have taught me anything, it's that my natural inclination is to hide, hibernate, and interact as little as possible with people. Instead, I'm hoping this will help me put myself "out there" to new and hopefully better opportunities. That, and maybe it will be entertaining as hell (for you, if not for me). And NYC is the perfect/worst place to do it.
It does NOT mean that I will say yes to EVERYTHING. So any of you reading this who are thinking "oh, good. I'll ask her if she'll jump off a cliff naked while singing the National Anthem." can just take your suggestion and sit and rotate on it. What it DOES mean is that when I'm invited somewhere, or asked on a date, or have a possible audition, or a business meeting, if I'm ever presented with an idea or a dilemma and it gives me that hesitation where I then argue with myself of whether or not I should go, the answer will (for the next year) be yes. I usually say NO because I don't want to fail, be embarrassed, or find out that I am not meant to do something I really love to do. Well, you know where that gets you? It gets you a one way ticket to becoming the lonely middle aged cat lady waitress who spends her life bitter and resenting all the things she never did. Now I'm not knocking all those cat ladies out there if that was their dream, but it isn't mine. So, as long as those opportunities that come my way don't hurt others or myself, it's going to be fair game.
So. Here we go. A blog of YES. Let's hope I don't regret it.
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