Crying on Cue

I've not neglected this blog. In fact, I've had so much that I've wanted to say. But you know what I've found? The business doesn't like it when you say too much. It isn't the place for the truth. Sometimes it's because you signed a contract that prevents you from revealing any of the plot or behind the scenes stuff. Sometimes it's because what you have to say is negative and people have ways of googling themselves and finding that you were none too pleased with them. It will lose you jobs. Because whilst no one is trustworthy, everyone wants to think they can trust you; even if it's only to keep quiet.
Unfortunately, I find that I only like to write when I can tell the absolute full spectrum of how I see things. And I've begun to realize that that just wont be possible if I want to play ball with these people. What a shame.
On the upside, I've realized that I don't necessarily need the blog as much as I used to. I seem to be saying "Yes" to things without needing to be kept accountable. But now I may need to reel it back in a bit. It's addicting, being busy. So now when I have just a moment of static, I panic a bit. I'm not doing enough, seeing enough, pushing enough, sleeping enough. ...that last one is completely true.

One must realize that being busy is fine. It's great. As long as it doesn't interfere with the core of your discipline. I've let exercising, eating right, and alone time slip because something always comes up. I constantly say the words, "well, when things slow down I'll..."  Well let me give you a bit of insight- the hidden prize to that proverbial cereal box: things will NEVER slow down. But it is a CHOICE whether or not you reschedule those things that are good for you. The trick, I think, is not to assume that a gym-date, "me" date, or cooking session is something that can be written in pencil and then negotiated when something else comes along. That stuff needs to be highlighted, scribbled in permanent marker and have glitter thrust upon it in your calendar. It should be priority number one. Otherwise you will end up looking like I did at my callback today and making rookie mistakes. Don't get me wrong. It was fine. But I am supposed to be better than fine. I am supposed to do more than just get by.  And I am certainly not supposed to come into the holding room grumbling. Unprofessional. Lesson learned.

Now, I wouldn't have been half the hag I was had I given myself a solid day off last week, gone to the gym like a good girl to run off any lingering aggression, AND had I skipped that pizza last Saturday. But alas. We make our choices. And our mistakes. It is only shameful if we consistently repeat them even though we know better. So, once again, it's time to get back on track. 

As some of you know I filmed a NYU thesis film earlier this month. And thank you for all the wonderful support you've given. I have been so happy with the footage that I've seen and am grateful that I was allowed to release the photos to the public.

Alas, for the most part I am going to keep the stories to myself I'm afraid. But I did want to talk about one strange thing: Crying on Cue.

Gotta say, you just don't know if you can do it until you are there. And it's weird, folks. I mean super weird. Working in film has not given me the extreme nerves that theatre has which has been a pleasant surprise but it has also been a process that makes you feel rather helpless. You shoot the scenes out of order, sometimes with only minutes of rehearsal, with people you dont really know, and with a crew who is shoving a large lens in your face. And then told to act natural. ...uh huh.

The second day of filming started out with a scene in which I have to basically sob till I am curled on the floor. That's it. Ready, set, go!

I am looking out a window one minute, then crying the next. No dialogue, no build up other than what I can think up. And it's scary.  What if I can't get there?  How do I get there?  What kind of actor am I?  Do I go method?  CAN I go method?  Do I think of something sad and unrelated?  Man, I'm going to suck.

And I think I may be a mixture of all those things.  Plus a little bit of "screw technique, I don't give a damn" as well.  In the end, it's not about you.  What you are thinking or feeling, it doesn't matter.  It's about staying calm and pushing your insecurities out a three story window.  You see, I get in my own way more than anyone else in this world.  I am the first person to tell me that I can't do something.  I do that to myself when I'm scared.  But you know what will always trump fear when it comes to me?  The absolute need to do my job well.  That fact alone is so ingrained in me, that the idea of disappointing anyone is crippling.  So.  You stop worrying.  You put on what I call a "trigger song" on your ipod (this is the song that always gets you all emo and pensive), you take a step away from crew who is singing show tunes and making dirty jokes, you ask the hair and makeup people to take a step back from blotting your face, and you find something to connect to. 

So, for me, in that one moment, I looked out the window at the sun coming through the trees, thought of what kind of sadness the character felt (for there are a billion different types of cries just as there a billion different emotions) and it struck a hint of a memory that made my heart ache to the point of pain.    It wasn't an exact memory, rather the memory of a feeling of loss.  The kind of loss that the character was going through.  And then a funny thing happened.  My eyes filled and spilled over.  And I did my job. 

What they don't tell you in acting school is how unbelievably difficult it is after a take when you have to pull yourself back together, get your face fixed, relight and reset the camera because a moth flew through the shot so we have to do it all over again.  Then you panic again thinking, "what if I stop crying and I cant start again?"  Mostly though you are thinking, "you gotta be f*ckin' kidding me."  But you manage.  Are all the takes awesome?  Absolutely not.  Was it Academy Award winning stuff?  Nope.  Not a chance.  But for a girl who has felt emotionally constipated when in public (sorry, that description was uncalled for), this was a huge success for me.  I felt challenged and like I grew.  Do I enjoy having a camera one foot from my face when having private moments?  N. O.
But I was pretty proud of myself.  I didn't let anyone down.  They seemed pleased.  And to be truthful, most of the crew is more in awe of how the lighting cuts through the fog and mists around your face rather than your actual performance.  Film is not really about you as the actor.  There are so many other things going on and it really is a collaborative beast.  I like it. 

Well, that's it really.  I have a month till I begin my summer travels.  I plan on coaching a couple people with their classical monologues and maybe having another reading of a 1940s play.  I'm stage managing for a staged reading next week for rather well known playwright.  And I'm going to take care of myself.  That's the plan.  I'm looking forward to it.