Sunday, January 20, 2013
Army of One
So. What have I said YES to so far? It's hard to say. Because I've been here for three days and I feel like my head is going to explode with the assault that is this City. That's not to say I'm not enjoying myself, because I am. But one must realize that I have been away from people for about four months. So to go from solitude to feeling like I'm inside a pinball machine is going to take a bit of an adjustment.
I'm not going to lie. Half the day is me fighting the urge to run away with my tail tucked between my legs. But the other half remembers this place and is a bit comforted that some things don't change. You will always have the crazy street buskers and homeless with funny signs that say things like "Will Work for Weed" or "Need Money for Beer and Women." You will always have a subway car filled with people shutting their eyes and listening to their ipods so that they can have just a few minutes of shut down time. There will always be that arabic coffee cart vendor who playfully jokes with you, the cab driver who will blame you for his bad directional choices, and the amount of dogs in this city is staggering. Does it feel like coming home? ...no. But it doesn't feel bad.
But I wouldn't trust New York as far as I could throw her. She's the kinda girl that buys you dinner but doesn't tell you that she spit in it. So my eyes are still wide open. This is a city that is Brilliant to visit, and if you have money, there's nothing more wonderful. It is Wonderland, Never Never Land, Toyland, Playboyland, and Gotham all in one. People always ask what it's like living here. I think the answer is different for everyone.
I didn't like who I was here last time. It will be interesting to see who I am this time. I think it'll be better. I am stronger, smarter, fitter, and put more value on my self-worth. But I do worry if it will chip away at it again. So what I've been doing so far is setting up my own army of one. Whatever drains you, you have to fill back up. To do that, you have to know the people, places, and things that give you back your peace.
Already I feel anxious about the lack of employment, finding time to audition, losing focus, not being able to be even seen for decent roles. So in order to avoid massive panic attacks and doubt, I've begun building my fortress.
I said YES and joined the gym the first day I was here. And I have already been.
I took a 70 block walk down Manhattan to get acquainted with the old bitch again.
I applied for twenty jobs.
I marked three auditions, even though they are equity and may not even see me, for next week.
I have reached out to my friends and asked for their help (something that is new to me).
And I have surrounded myself with GOOD people that when I leave their presence, I feel better and more empowered, and hopeful. I hope I do the same for them.
Tonight, despite the crazy wind and cold outside, I am going to candlelight yoga because I've been losing sleep due to worry. It's all about recognizing when you are being a chicken and freaking yourself out, and how to combat that on your own. It's about doing something for yourself that you know makes you feel good and is healthy.
I watched a church sermon this morning online that said Anxiety is a battle of Faith. Now without getting too Jesus-centric on you, it's basically saying that your anxiety lessens if you have faith in yourself and in God that everything will turn out ok, for the best for you. Now, does that mean that I can sit back on my laurels and that God will swoop in and make me famous? Uh, no. But it does mean that the hours of sleep I'm losing are silly because I WILL be taken care of. I have the ability. And I need to have faith that it will pay off. Because it will.
Now I ask you, what are YOU doing for yourself to fill you back up?
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Epic Failure Already.
I booked a job. Actually, it's kind of two jobs. Now before you get all excited and have a pillow fight in my honor, let me follow that glorious news up by saying that I have to turn it town. That's right, ladies and gents. My Year of Yes is beginning with a big morbidly obese NO. Sigh. Here's the deal-
There's this tiny picturesque town in northern Washington State that I found a few years back and for some reason it just pulls at me. Whenever I couldn't stand my life or needed to clear my head, I'd borrow/steal my mom's car and take the nearly two hour mini-road trip up there for the day. It's like Mayberry, or that town in the Gilmore Girls "Stars Hollow (Yes, I used to and sometimes still do watch that show. Please don't think less of me). Anyway. It's surrounded by water, not a Starbucks in sight, it's quiet and quaint and always makes me feel better. I have always told myself that if I were to become a hermit someday and disappear from the world and be the female version of Ernest Hemingway (without the whole alcoholism and sad death thing), this would be the place I'd do it.
Well, in the beginning of November I saw that they were having their theatre's auditions for the 2013 season. Since my mother and I were thinking of popping up there for a day trip to tour their old hotel that used to be brothel (yes. A brothel. Did I not tell you this place was amaze-balls? They even name the rooms after the, uh, "ladies" who resided in them.), I figured why not stay in the game and audition for the hell of it.
So I auditioned. And I rarely can walk out of an audition room and say to myself, "Self, that right there was a fan-friggin-tastic audition." But this time, there was a little extra hitch in my giddy-up, because I knew that I did the best I could. Then...I forgot all about it.
I got a phone call last night with offers for two roles in two new plays for their new playwrights segment starting in two weeks and going through end of March. What? Buh-Scuuuuuuze me? I can work in my favorite town ever? What are the details?
And this is where it gets disappointing. Sort of.
They pay for housing and when I said I wasn't sure I could afford to stay up there without income, they offered me a small weekly stipend because the director was "really" interested.
Now, I said I would say YES as long as it harmed no one, including myself. When I said that, I assumed I meant physically, mentally, or spiritually. But I didn't know I also meant financially. [Insert shouts of protest from my artistic friends who believe that one can live on inspiration alone].
But here's the thing. If an executive with a masters degree went into an interview for a job and they said to him, you get to be CEO of this company...as long as you pay US, would you think he was doing the right thing? Because in some ways, that's what I'd be doing. Let's break it down. My loans kick in at end of March, I have a verbal contract for a sublet through to May 1st, this will cost me a great deal of money. Oh, and then there's that whole affording to eat thing on top of that. The stipend offered will cover only a third of that cost. Ouch. Am I still tempted to do it anyway? ...You bet your ass. Clearly my business degree does not stop me from bad financial decisions, it just allows me to recognize that I am indeed making them.
The thing that clenched it most, surprisingly? That verbal contract with my sublet. "And it harm none." If I backed out, I would be going back on a promise. It is very important to me that I NEVER hurt or step on anyone to better my career. Not intentionally. I may not get where I want to go, or get there as fast as I like, but at least I would like myself when I get there. These two guys are incredibly kind and gave me the greatest deal as well as setting me up with the exact area and price point that I wanted to live in. And in my gut, when I said YES to the place, it felt absolutely right.
I have seen it time and time again, people slighting others for personal gain. And I understand that temptation. My actor's ego is screaming "Somebody wants you! They want to pay you to do what you love and in a town that you love!" But you know what? Maybe that means someone else will do the same. I managed to go on two auditions in the past couple months whilst mulling around in WA, and booking one out of two is great odds in this business. I need to stop believing that every job is the last one. Sure, it may well be true, but that feeling of desperation is not helpful.
I want people to know I am loyal and honest. That they can trust me to keep my promises. And if something happens and I can't, then they'll know it was never because of disrespect or laziness. I expect the same from people, so why would I give less? At the end of the day, I'll have to go to bed and wake up with me. And it's much easier if you sleep and wake up with someone you like. Take that as you will.
So it breaks my heart. But I have to say NO. That little town will always be there. And that just means I am still on track to getting back to NYC next Thursday. P.s. If any of you want to put in a good word for me with your deity of choice (hell, even with Santa Claus since he's not so busy now) for nyc employment, I wouldn't mind it.
Not every opportunity is one you should take. Hard. Pill. To swallow. But one opportunity does not a full life make. There will be others. There will always be others. If you put yourself out there.
There's this tiny picturesque town in northern Washington State that I found a few years back and for some reason it just pulls at me. Whenever I couldn't stand my life or needed to clear my head, I'd borrow/steal my mom's car and take the nearly two hour mini-road trip up there for the day. It's like Mayberry, or that town in the Gilmore Girls "Stars Hollow (Yes, I used to and sometimes still do watch that show. Please don't think less of me). Anyway. It's surrounded by water, not a Starbucks in sight, it's quiet and quaint and always makes me feel better. I have always told myself that if I were to become a hermit someday and disappear from the world and be the female version of Ernest Hemingway (without the whole alcoholism and sad death thing), this would be the place I'd do it.
Well, in the beginning of November I saw that they were having their theatre's auditions for the 2013 season. Since my mother and I were thinking of popping up there for a day trip to tour their old hotel that used to be brothel (yes. A brothel. Did I not tell you this place was amaze-balls? They even name the rooms after the, uh, "ladies" who resided in them.), I figured why not stay in the game and audition for the hell of it.
So I auditioned. And I rarely can walk out of an audition room and say to myself, "Self, that right there was a fan-friggin-tastic audition." But this time, there was a little extra hitch in my giddy-up, because I knew that I did the best I could. Then...I forgot all about it.
I got a phone call last night with offers for two roles in two new plays for their new playwrights segment starting in two weeks and going through end of March. What? Buh-Scuuuuuuze me? I can work in my favorite town ever? What are the details?
And this is where it gets disappointing. Sort of.
They pay for housing and when I said I wasn't sure I could afford to stay up there without income, they offered me a small weekly stipend because the director was "really" interested.
Now, I said I would say YES as long as it harmed no one, including myself. When I said that, I assumed I meant physically, mentally, or spiritually. But I didn't know I also meant financially. [Insert shouts of protest from my artistic friends who believe that one can live on inspiration alone].
But here's the thing. If an executive with a masters degree went into an interview for a job and they said to him, you get to be CEO of this company...as long as you pay US, would you think he was doing the right thing? Because in some ways, that's what I'd be doing. Let's break it down. My loans kick in at end of March, I have a verbal contract for a sublet through to May 1st, this will cost me a great deal of money. Oh, and then there's that whole affording to eat thing on top of that. The stipend offered will cover only a third of that cost. Ouch. Am I still tempted to do it anyway? ...You bet your ass. Clearly my business degree does not stop me from bad financial decisions, it just allows me to recognize that I am indeed making them.
The thing that clenched it most, surprisingly? That verbal contract with my sublet. "And it harm none." If I backed out, I would be going back on a promise. It is very important to me that I NEVER hurt or step on anyone to better my career. Not intentionally. I may not get where I want to go, or get there as fast as I like, but at least I would like myself when I get there. These two guys are incredibly kind and gave me the greatest deal as well as setting me up with the exact area and price point that I wanted to live in. And in my gut, when I said YES to the place, it felt absolutely right.
I have seen it time and time again, people slighting others for personal gain. And I understand that temptation. My actor's ego is screaming "Somebody wants you! They want to pay you to do what you love and in a town that you love!" But you know what? Maybe that means someone else will do the same. I managed to go on two auditions in the past couple months whilst mulling around in WA, and booking one out of two is great odds in this business. I need to stop believing that every job is the last one. Sure, it may well be true, but that feeling of desperation is not helpful.
I want people to know I am loyal and honest. That they can trust me to keep my promises. And if something happens and I can't, then they'll know it was never because of disrespect or laziness. I expect the same from people, so why would I give less? At the end of the day, I'll have to go to bed and wake up with me. And it's much easier if you sleep and wake up with someone you like. Take that as you will.
So it breaks my heart. But I have to say NO. That little town will always be there. And that just means I am still on track to getting back to NYC next Thursday. P.s. If any of you want to put in a good word for me with your deity of choice (hell, even with Santa Claus since he's not so busy now) for nyc employment, I wouldn't mind it.
Not every opportunity is one you should take. Hard. Pill. To swallow. But one opportunity does not a full life make. There will be others. There will always be others. If you put yourself out there.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
A Tuesday Resolution
I never really believed in New Year's resolutions. Don't get me wrong. I made them anyway. But I knew they were more "New Year's resolutions that I would fail at and then hate myself for". Which, you know, is SUPER helpful.
Somewhere along the line I gave them up and instead made the occasional Tuesday Resolution. Tuesday Resolutions don't necessarily have to be on a Tuesday. It just means that the goal you are making is important no matter what day it is. The weight of importance should be on the goal, not the date.
I would sit there and say, you know what? I'm not going to do this or that anymore. Or, more importantly, I'd say I AM going to do this or that. When making a Tuesday resolution or Tuesday rebellion depending on the subject, you should always try to phrase it in the affirmative. Keep it positive. Especially if you are me. I don't like being told what not to do. So even if I am the one doing the telling, (i.e. I will not eat anymore ice-cream), I will inevitably resent myself and eat two times the amount of ice-cream, just to spite myself. You know, as you do.
But I digress.
The point of the "Tuesday" though is that it doesn't matter what day you start, it just needs to be now, in the very moment that you think of the goal. You can't wait for New Year's or Arbor Day or after you finish a stressful project or maybe after your vacation. It has to be now, at 12:43pm. It's fine if you fail here and there, but the starting point needs to be immediate. You have to battle that voice in your head that is telling you No.
Which brings me to this year's blog. The Year of Yes.
So what does this mean? Well, you know how you get in your own way? I've mentioned in the Scotland blog about the SHOULDAWOULDACOULDA's of life. It's all those things you didn't do because you told yourself NO before you even tried. Well, this year I'm going to attempt to rewire my little mental circuit board that always says NO and make it say YES. And then just see where it takes me.
Now this will probably be the most uncomfortable idea I've ever had. It will probably get me into a lot of trouble. But it's like eating a banana with peanut butter, it has to be done. (Don't knock it till you try it). Because if these past months in WA have taught me anything, it's that my natural inclination is to hide, hibernate, and interact as little as possible with people. Instead, I'm hoping this will help me put myself "out there" to new and hopefully better opportunities. That, and maybe it will be entertaining as hell (for you, if not for me). And NYC is the perfect/worst place to do it.
It does NOT mean that I will say yes to EVERYTHING. So any of you reading this who are thinking "oh, good. I'll ask her if she'll jump off a cliff naked while singing the National Anthem." can just take your suggestion and sit and rotate on it. What it DOES mean is that when I'm invited somewhere, or asked on a date, or have a possible audition, or a business meeting, if I'm ever presented with an idea or a dilemma and it gives me that hesitation where I then argue with myself of whether or not I should go, the answer will (for the next year) be yes. I usually say NO because I don't want to fail, be embarrassed, or find out that I am not meant to do something I really love to do. Well, you know where that gets you? It gets you a one way ticket to becoming the lonely middle aged cat lady waitress who spends her life bitter and resenting all the things she never did. Now I'm not knocking all those cat ladies out there if that was their dream, but it isn't mine. So, as long as those opportunities that come my way don't hurt others or myself, it's going to be fair game.
So. Here we go. A blog of YES. Let's hope I don't regret it.
Somewhere along the line I gave them up and instead made the occasional Tuesday Resolution. Tuesday Resolutions don't necessarily have to be on a Tuesday. It just means that the goal you are making is important no matter what day it is. The weight of importance should be on the goal, not the date.
I would sit there and say, you know what? I'm not going to do this or that anymore. Or, more importantly, I'd say I AM going to do this or that. When making a Tuesday resolution or Tuesday rebellion depending on the subject, you should always try to phrase it in the affirmative. Keep it positive. Especially if you are me. I don't like being told what not to do. So even if I am the one doing the telling, (i.e. I will not eat anymore ice-cream), I will inevitably resent myself and eat two times the amount of ice-cream, just to spite myself. You know, as you do.
But I digress.
The point of the "Tuesday" though is that it doesn't matter what day you start, it just needs to be now, in the very moment that you think of the goal. You can't wait for New Year's or Arbor Day or after you finish a stressful project or maybe after your vacation. It has to be now, at 12:43pm. It's fine if you fail here and there, but the starting point needs to be immediate. You have to battle that voice in your head that is telling you No.
Which brings me to this year's blog. The Year of Yes.
So what does this mean? Well, you know how you get in your own way? I've mentioned in the Scotland blog about the SHOULDAWOULDACOULDA's of life. It's all those things you didn't do because you told yourself NO before you even tried. Well, this year I'm going to attempt to rewire my little mental circuit board that always says NO and make it say YES. And then just see where it takes me.
Now this will probably be the most uncomfortable idea I've ever had. It will probably get me into a lot of trouble. But it's like eating a banana with peanut butter, it has to be done. (Don't knock it till you try it). Because if these past months in WA have taught me anything, it's that my natural inclination is to hide, hibernate, and interact as little as possible with people. Instead, I'm hoping this will help me put myself "out there" to new and hopefully better opportunities. That, and maybe it will be entertaining as hell (for you, if not for me). And NYC is the perfect/worst place to do it.
It does NOT mean that I will say yes to EVERYTHING. So any of you reading this who are thinking "oh, good. I'll ask her if she'll jump off a cliff naked while singing the National Anthem." can just take your suggestion and sit and rotate on it. What it DOES mean is that when I'm invited somewhere, or asked on a date, or have a possible audition, or a business meeting, if I'm ever presented with an idea or a dilemma and it gives me that hesitation where I then argue with myself of whether or not I should go, the answer will (for the next year) be yes. I usually say NO because I don't want to fail, be embarrassed, or find out that I am not meant to do something I really love to do. Well, you know where that gets you? It gets you a one way ticket to becoming the lonely middle aged cat lady waitress who spends her life bitter and resenting all the things she never did. Now I'm not knocking all those cat ladies out there if that was their dream, but it isn't mine. So, as long as those opportunities that come my way don't hurt others or myself, it's going to be fair game.
So. Here we go. A blog of YES. Let's hope I don't regret it.
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