Army of One

So.  What have I said YES to so far?  It's hard to say.  Because I've been here for three days and I feel like my head is going to explode with the assault that is this City.  That's not to say I'm not enjoying myself, because I am. But one must realize that I have been away from people for about four months.  So to go from solitude to feeling like I'm inside a pinball machine is going to take a bit of an adjustment.

I'm not going to lie.  Half the day is me fighting the urge to run away with my tail tucked between my legs.  But the other half remembers this place and is a bit comforted that some things don't change.  You will always have the crazy street buskers and homeless with funny signs that say things like "Will Work for Weed" or "Need Money for Beer and Women."  You will always have a subway car filled with people shutting their eyes and listening to their ipods so that they can have just a few minutes of shut down time.  There will always be that arabic coffee cart vendor who playfully jokes with you, the cab driver who will blame you for his bad directional choices, and the amount of dogs in this city is staggering.  Does it feel like coming home?  ...no.  But it doesn't feel bad. 

But I wouldn't trust New York as far as I could throw her.  She's the kinda girl that buys you dinner but doesn't tell you that she spit in it.  So my eyes are still wide open.  This is a city that is Brilliant to visit, and if you have money, there's nothing more wonderful.  It is Wonderland, Never Never Land, Toyland, Playboyland, and Gotham all in one.  People always ask what it's like living here.  I think the answer is different for everyone.

I didn't like who I was here last time.  It will be interesting to see who I am this time.  I think it'll be better.  I am stronger, smarter, fitter, and put more value on my self-worth.  But I do worry if it will chip away at it again.  So what I've been doing so far is setting up my own army of one.  Whatever drains you, you have to fill back up.  To do that, you have to know the people, places, and things that give you back your peace. 

Already I feel anxious about the lack of employment, finding time to audition, losing focus, not being able to be even seen for decent roles.  So in order to avoid massive panic attacks and doubt, I've begun building my fortress.

I said YES and joined the gym the first day I was here.  And I have already been.
I took a 70 block walk down Manhattan to get acquainted with the old bitch again.
I applied for twenty jobs.
I marked three auditions, even though they are equity and may not even see me, for next week.
I have reached out to my friends and asked for their help (something that is new to me).
And I have surrounded myself with GOOD people that when I leave their presence, I feel better and more empowered, and hopeful.  I hope I do the same for them.

Tonight, despite the crazy wind and cold outside, I am going to candlelight yoga because I've been losing sleep due to worry.  It's all about recognizing when you are being a chicken and freaking yourself out, and how to combat that on your own.  It's about doing something for yourself that you know makes you feel good and is healthy.
I watched a church sermon this morning online that said Anxiety is a battle of Faith.  Now without getting too Jesus-centric on you, it's basically saying that your anxiety lessens if you have faith in yourself and in God that everything will turn out ok, for the best for you.  Now, does that mean that I can sit back on my laurels and that God will swoop in and make me famous?  Uh, no.  But it does mean that the hours of sleep I'm losing are silly because I WILL be taken care of.  I have the ability.  And I need to have faith that it will pay off.  Because it will.

Now I ask you, what are YOU doing for yourself to fill you back up?