Epic Failure Already.

I booked a job.  Actually, it's kind of two jobs.  Now before you get all excited and have a pillow fight in my honor, let me follow that glorious news up by saying that I have to turn it town.  That's right, ladies and gents.  My Year of Yes is beginning with a big morbidly obese NO.  Sigh.  Here's the deal-

There's this tiny picturesque town in northern Washington State that I found a few years back and for some reason it just pulls at me.  Whenever I couldn't stand my life or needed to clear my head, I'd borrow/steal my mom's car and take the nearly two hour mini-road trip up there for the day. It's like Mayberry, or that town in the Gilmore Girls "Stars Hollow (Yes, I used to and sometimes still do watch that show. Please don't think less of me).  Anyway.  It's surrounded by water, not a Starbucks in sight, it's quiet and quaint and always makes me feel better.  I have always told myself that if I were to become a hermit someday and disappear from the world and be the female version of Ernest Hemingway (without the whole alcoholism and sad death thing), this would be the place I'd do it.
Well, in the beginning of November I saw that they were having their theatre's auditions for the 2013 season.  Since my mother and I were thinking of popping up there for a day trip to tour their old hotel that used to be brothel (yes.  A brothel.  Did I not tell you this place was amaze-balls?  They even name the rooms after the, uh, "ladies" who resided in them.), I figured why not stay in the game and audition for the hell of it.
So I auditioned.  And I rarely can walk out of an audition room and say to myself, "Self, that right there was a fan-friggin-tastic audition."  But this time, there was a little extra hitch in my giddy-up, because I knew that I did the best I could.  Then...I forgot all about it. 

I got a phone call last night with offers for two roles in two new plays for their new playwrights segment starting in two weeks and going through end of March.  What?  Buh-Scuuuuuuze me?  I can work in my favorite town ever?  What are the details?

And this is where it gets disappointing.  Sort of.

They pay for housing and when I said I wasn't sure I could afford to stay up there without income, they offered me a small weekly stipend because the director was "really" interested. 

Now, I said I would say YES as long as it harmed no one, including myself.  When I said that, I assumed I meant physically, mentally, or spiritually.  But I didn't know I also meant financially.  [Insert shouts of protest from my artistic friends who believe that one can live on inspiration alone].

But here's the thing.  If an executive with a masters degree went into an interview for a job and they said to him, you get to be CEO of this company...as long as you pay US, would you think he was doing the right thing?  Because in some ways, that's what I'd be doing.  Let's break it down.  My loans kick in at end of March, I have a verbal contract for a sublet through to May 1st, this will cost me a great deal of money.  Oh, and then there's that whole affording to eat thing on top of that.  The stipend offered will cover only a third of that cost. Ouch.  Am I still tempted to do it anyway?  ...You bet your ass.  Clearly my business degree does not stop me from bad financial decisions, it just allows me to recognize that I am indeed making them.

The thing that clenched it most, surprisingly?  That verbal contract with my sublet.  "And it harm none."  If I backed out, I would be going back on a promise.  It is very important to me that I NEVER hurt or step on anyone to better my career.  Not intentionally.  I may not get where I want to go, or get there as fast as I like, but at least I would like myself when I get there.  These two guys are incredibly kind and gave me the greatest deal as well as setting me up with the exact area and price point that I wanted to live in.  And in my gut, when I said YES to the place, it felt absolutely right.
I have seen it time and time again, people slighting others for personal gain.  And I understand that temptation.  My actor's ego is screaming "Somebody wants you!  They want to pay you to do what you love and in a town that you love!"  But you know what?  Maybe that means someone else will do the same.  I managed to go on two auditions in the past couple months whilst mulling around in WA, and booking one out of two is great odds in this business.  I need to stop believing that every job is the last one.  Sure, it may well be true, but that feeling of desperation is not helpful.

I want people to know I am loyal and honest.  That they can trust me to keep my promises.  And if something happens and I can't, then they'll know it was never because of disrespect or laziness.  I expect the same from people, so why would I give less?  At the end of the day, I'll have to go to bed and wake up with me.  And it's much easier if you sleep and wake up with someone you like.  Take that as you will.

So it breaks my heart.  But I have to say NO.  That little town will always be there.  And that just means I am still on track to getting back to NYC next Thursday.  P.s. If any of you want to put in a good word for me with your deity of choice (hell, even with Santa Claus since he's not so busy now) for nyc employment, I wouldn't mind it.

Not every opportunity is one you should take. Hard. Pill. To swallow. But one opportunity does not a full life make. There will be others. There will always be others. If you put yourself out there.