I know a lady should never tell her age but I'll make an exception. I'm 31 today. It occurred to me that all the big milestones have passed. My golden birthday, the age to buy a lotto ticket (which I still haven't done...maybe today), the drinking age, hell even the age when you can rent a car or go on a cruise without your parents has past. The next bigg'un is 50. huh. But that's not what I want to talk about.
I want to talk about 31. And what that means to me.
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...hold on. I'm thinking...
Well. It depends on the moment. One moment I shrug and say "Whatever. I look mid-20s, I'm busy, ain't nobody got time for dwelling."
One moment I feel like I may sit down in the middle of the street and weep for all the things I thought I'd be but never became. When I slow down enough, I worry about being alone, about money, about disappointing my parents, about disappointing myself, about reaching too high, about what I may be giving up to live this lifestyle. I miss my friends across the world and I miss my mom and dad. I often feel like "had I only known this or that" or "had I started earlier."
But most moments. Almost all moments. This is how I feel:
I feel great.
I have never felt stronger, more beautiful, more healthy, and more unapologetic for who I am. I feel hopeful and inspired. I have stronger faith and determination.
I don't hate NYC like I used to. I don't love her, but I understand her. And I understand that she will only magnify what I put out. If I put kindness and focus, she will reward that. If I notice only the ugly, she will shove that ugly in my face. And right now, she's working with me not against me.
I have a roof over my head. Is it mine? No. Is it a dream home? HA. Absolutely, not. But does it allow me to chase after what I want? Yes. Then it's a good thing.
Every job I have right now is involved in theatre, film, writing, directing. Am I at the level I want to be at? NO. Do I have an agent or Union status? Not yet. But am I waiting tables or cleaning toilets? Nope. Then it's a good thing.
I am ready for good people. Love, Friends, whatever. Am I married? No. Do I have children? No. Do I wish I did? ...I don't know. And because the answer is "I don't know," I know I haven't found the right person yet. But I'm awesome at being single. I have never let it stop me from doing what I want and I don't know many people who can say that. Will I make more of an effort to not be ridiculously shy around men? ...fine. Yeah. I will. But if I blush (which I tend to do a shit-ton when I like someone) you have to promise to pretend that it is just hot out.
But putting myself out there? It's a good thing.
I am very lucky. I have had some tough years in my first three decades but I have been all over this world and my decisions are my own. I have my parents to thank for that.
I am still a work in progress and will continue to be until the day I die. When we were younger we looked at our 30s as the time when we would have all our shit together, when we've achieved our goals and settled down. I don't feel old. I feel like I'm just hitting my stride. Like I'm finally beginning. And I also discovered a key fact that no one told me in my teens and 20s. NOBODY has their shit together. Even if they look like they do. You know that girl from high school that you bump into at the grocery store and you saw just last week on her facebook status that she's prego with her second and she has a diamond ring the size of Kansas on her finger? You know that girl? Well I guarantee she was reading your status how you were walking down the street in NYC, with your pumpkin spice latte in one hand, and your dreams in the other and she was wishing she had just a bit of your uncertainty.
We all want a little more. More of something. Anything. I'm definitely in that group. I want so much sometimes my insides hurt. It scares me that I may not get it. But you know what makes it bearable? Sometimes, the chase is fun. Being in the game is part of the fun. I'd rather be a piece of the puzzle and not know where I fit, than not a piece at all.
So 31. It's a number. A good one. Because I'm more than what I was at 30. And I'm less than I'll be when I'm 32. And God willing, I'll get where I aim to go. And enjoy the heck out of the ride getting there.
It's a good thing.
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