I have not been ready to talk about this. In truth, I am still not quite there. But so many of you know and love the stories of my Chinese Grandmother, so I thought it only right that you know of her passing.
Grief is a funny thing. Not funny HA-HA. More odd than anything else. You never know how much you'll feel, how long you'll feel it, or how it will manifest itself within you. It never comes at a convenient time. You can hardly pencil it in in your calendar or step away from your life in order to give yourself the time you need. Death doesn't respect holidays or weekends. It doesn't ask your permission or whether you are ready or not. It comes when it comes. Sometimes you wish sooner. Sometimes later.
My chinese grandmother has become famous among anyone who has known me. Her anecdotes, sayings, situations, and stories have made many of you laugh and in turn has helped me find the humor in odd and sometimes hurtful situations. I am glad that so many of you have enjoyed her views and will remember her for them. She is immortalized through you.
I have not been able to grieve yet. I have barely given myself fifteen minutes in a week to think on it. Mostly because I know it will take a very long time to heal. I did not make it widely known about her passing because I did not and do not have the emotional capacity right now to hear condolences and well wishes. That may seem strange and yet it is, ironically, very chinese of me. We push emotions aside to get through the day. We focus on what needs to be done. We do not grieve with others. It is something we do alone. At least, that seems to be how that side of our family works.
My Grandma did not want a funeral service. I did not even go home when she passed as it was suggested that there was no point. It may seem harsh but it is our way. In my own time, I will visit my grandmother's grave, I will eat a happy meal while I sit with her. And I will give her the toy, as that is one of the few good memories that I have with her. She always liked to go to Mcdonalds and have a happy meal. Not for the food. But because she liked the toys. Her windowsills were full of them at one point. I think that she would appreciate that more than any pomp and circumstance that would have been had in a service.
Chinese grandma was a very difficult woman. Though I built an entire show around our relationship based on comedy, the truth is, we did not often get along. For those that know me, you know that it is important to me that I am heard, that I tell the truth, and that I make something of myself. For grandma, the first two were never a priority. And the third, well, we had different definitions of what that "something" was. At least, so I thought.
She wanted me to be married. She wanted me to have kids. She wanted someone to take care of me. She wanted me to be wealthy and thin. Culturally, these things are the epitome of success to the chinese. Also, I think she truly believed that these things would make a person matter. I would fight her tooth and nail. I would blame her for becoming the cruel voice in my head that called me failure because I, for some reason, couldn't succeed at a single one of those things. But the truth is, I was so angry because I actually wanted those things for myself, too. I blamed her, for making me believe that it was because I was the problem and the disappointment when, in truth, I LET her voice become my own.
It is true that no elder should ever make their youth feel like they are not enough. That we need to praise just as much as we give criticism. But it is my choice as to whether I can let that bitterness go, forgive where forgiveness is due, and love a woman who would never understand me. I am still struggling to make my heart big enough for all that.
I remember my brother's wedding. I remember when his two children were born. And I remember the look of pride and satisfaction on my grandmother's face when those things occurred. I had wished that she would have smiled like that for me. It will be a heartache that I doubt will ever go away.
By the end, she did not go in a good way. Half her body failed and she lost most of her mind. The past couple of years, there were no more jokes to be made. At times it felt like her entire family were paying for the mistakes she made and continued to make. And yet she never apologized. Some had spent decades cleaning up her messes and yet, I don't think I ever saw her be grateful. She either brought out the best and most noble of traits in you, or she brought out the worst. The choice was yours, but there is no middle ground. I felt that I constantly would bounce back and forth between the best and worst. I'm still not quite sure where I shall land permanently.
I honestly felt that after all that judgment, disappointment, and neglect towards those that were closest...I honestly thought that when she passed, especially since we knew it was coming, that I would feel nothing. I was wrong.
Through all the disappointment and anger, I keep thinking about the way she would shuffle into the living room, wearing a christmas sweater in July, and shout at the television as the Mariners play. Or how when we were really small, she'd put my brother or I on her legs and kick them out one at a time so we would teeter back and forth like we were on a boat as she said, "ducky ducky ducky" (yes, it's weird but so her). I remember that every phone call involved her asking "you eat yet?" which was then followed by me reciting everything I had eaten that day. And I remember her laugh. A cackle if there ever was one.
My grandmother, flawed as she was, lived a hard life. I think it was an unhappy one. But she loved me. In her own way, yes. But it was love. She may never have hugged me unless I hugged her first. She may never have said she loved me unless I said it first. I may remember more bad than good. But it was still love.
I will never miss sitting on that couch in her living room, listening to her berate me on where women belong and how boys are so much better than girls. But I will miss that laugh. It is an end of an era. And though the Chinese do not outwardly emote (which is why she never understood the whole Acting thing), we do put family first. Family is everything. Family is permanent whether you like it or not. And she was and will always be, family.
So. God bless you, Oma. May you find peace and happiness where you are.
And yes...I have eaten today.
*Attached are videos of the last Christmas we had together. Enjoy them. Translation is available upon request. :)
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